i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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