I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
