I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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