these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
