Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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