On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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