Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
