Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
