Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
