i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize