We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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