I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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