Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my shit smells like andre
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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