all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
