the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
