Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
