I accidentally had phone sex last night
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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