omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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