I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize