So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
