I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
