you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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