I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
