I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
