if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
