i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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