Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
