Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You ruined the universe
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
