Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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