My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
