she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
