I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
