At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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