Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
