I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
