Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
