no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
