Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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