I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
