franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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