i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
