I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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