She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
