I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
