omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
