The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
