The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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