i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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