Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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