I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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