conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
