Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
