he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize