Fuck appropriateness.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize