It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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