I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
