oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
