Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
